I can't sleep the other night/day so I made this...


Career growth. Cliché but can't think of any other way to put it. Of course, why would I deprive myself of something potentially bigger? Why not grab life by its balls?

I'm excited. I hope everything turns out for the better. I just want a smooth transition. I've been wanting this so I hope I am making the right decision. You can do this, Chary. Focus.

I can't believe how much crap is being produced today in the music industry. I'm sorry, but really. They all sound the same to me. I almost never listen to the radio anymore.

I am currently listening to the Siamese Dream album and in me, there is this brewing desire to have the ability, if there is such, of shutting down one's system physically triggering a sudden immersion of the mind to all those warm layers of sounds and rhythms. That would be quite lovely.

I love the 90s. I also like the 80s and all eras that come before.
I love obsessing over music and witnessing bands come and go and come and live and die and forgotten and remembered and pirated.

I wish my workstation is near the window. I peered, just now, across two more workstations then out through the window. I noticed the rising cumuli in pale salmon colored by the sun's rays also rising from the other side of the horizon.

Dear God, thank you for the weekends. I am so happy this is the last hour of my work week. I'm excited to see Jo and just chat away the hours we've earned after a long week. I always look forward to interesting conversations with him. All those things we've talked about and crazy ideas we've concocted and kept in our own little world are priceless. We just can't get enough! It's almost like our own radio show. Humor? Our humor, must I say, is a shard of an ancient Egyptian jar found in the crevices of a boulder in the north polar region of Mars. The shard's covered in egg yolk and wrapped in paper with words, "I like caterpillars. They are brave creatures. My name is Bob Jake". That kind of humor.

I am also excited for our project, which I must not tell! It's a surprise. I am loving the thought and the experience of us working together towards something. I believe in our potential as partners for a project. I hope we get to actually start working on it by next month. We are now on the part of envisioning it and me, jotting down notes, in my small MUJI notebook. Jotting down things on my wee notebook have been a favorite gesture of mine nowadays.

Most of the time, I can't help but entertain negative vibes and just veer away from possibilities and opportunities. I expect the worst and fear almost everything. This in turn, I realized, just makes me farther than the act of actually making the challenge manageable and not-so of a big deal after all. Jo helps me every time whenever I am in this very situation.

Well, today is different.
Today, I am hopeful and happy.

The most idle hour within my 8-hour toil is the one before my shift ends. This is because by that time, I have already submitted my tracker of shiznits (does not want to explain or go any further than “shiznits”) and refuse to make updates so as not to mess-up the next-day tracker (or ok, just too lazy to do it) thus, a perfect time to divulge in a gratifying act of world wide web surfing.

Usually, I read Wikipedia. I firmly believe it is a convenient tool (oh-so-convenient I suppose) to learn tidbits of almost everything within the known universe. It might not be accurate, but decent enough for everyday chitchat.

I reached Schrödinger's Cat link and found myself reading away. I remember, this has been mentioned, if I’m not mistaken, in Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking - one of my favorite readings even if some chapters are headache-inducing. I like reading stuff bigger than me, trying to test if I can actually comprehend it. It tickles my mind. Although, I do not currently possess a grandiose intelligent argument regarding Schrödinger's Cat so I would rather not you expect something of which I am not capable of. I prefer mostly to just revel in its wonderfully crafted absurdity in which I think what you are going to get from this entry. Ok, then.

So, (assuming you have searched for or is familiar with the concept) is the cat dead or alive? This very question states what they call a superposition – that state where everything is possible. Reality unfolds once the box is opened. Imagine a branching of the events – the “dead cat” event and the “alive cat” event. You open the box, you, as an observer, can only continue with one branch. Superposition is the event even before the branching starts. We reach this state for almost every single point or smallest fraction of period in our lives.

(Must I wear jeans today or that frilly dress?
Must I take the bus or walk?
Must I gawk at him or not?
Must I marry her or not?)

I like this idea a lot. Reminds me of the film, Mr. Nobody (Really nice film btw). Everything is floating in every possible angle and probabilities, in piles of superpositions atop of piles of superpositions atop of another pile and so on. We are a factory of superpositions! By the time we were born, this is the dawn of millions and millions of superpositions initiated by how every action will be executed by you and things and people surrounding you. Just imagine the very point at which the Big Bang starts. Imagine how much “branches” we have now. Lots. Crazy lots of dimensions of “could or would-have-beens”. It is just plain amazing and scary at the same time.

I wish I’m better at Math or weren’t too lazy solving those practice math problems as a student. I really like Physics and Astronomy but here I am struggling to understand the concept of qubits and wave functions. In fact, I don’t really understand them, maybe just a slight idea. This is what limits me and sometimes frustrates me. When I am at the peak of curiosity and admiration and long to learn more, the deeper I want to know, the less I would understand. I’m stuck with Wikipedia knowledge. Or barely. No, let’s term it as Wikipedia state, which I want to define, as just something general. A little bit of everything. Frustrating. It’s a gist. I want the whole film. Not the synopsis. But it’s difficult. Learn Math. Enroll in Physics. ( I did. I gave up. I’m not “equipped”.) But then, there is this Einstein quote: "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.” True enough. I really like this guy. :)

However, even with all of these esoteric equations I encounter in the middle of my search for knowledge, I appreciate the efforts of scientists, researchers and writers who put effort in offering a palatable and digestible piece of simple explanation for every complex theories and concepts we have. Sometimes, we all just want to know and understand. Sometimes we just can't get enough. We are just so hungry for knowledge we can devour an elephant. Schrödinger's Elephant.

Hi there.

I suddenly miss writing and earlier, found myself poignantly browsing my poems saved in 1kb notepads neatly compiled and chronologically-arranged in one folder. I can't believe I've been doing this since 2002.

Is maturity inversely proportional to how good one is in acknowledging and painting one's emotions over a huge life-canvas? I am not sure if I still have that same passion as I once had when I was younger. Was it just because I had more time to kill then and those free moments allow me to think about lots of stuff to recall/research and describe about?

I'm kind of shy to admit but I really do want to liken my poetry to Monet's paintings - hastily done to get the right set of tones before the light shifts and changes the setting. My poems are hastily done as well to capture the emotions I am having at that very moment while jotting the words down. My first attempts are usually the final products. It feels like cheating if I try to drastically modify a part or a stanza.

Sometimes, I fall in love with a word. If I do, I try to build branches of relevant words from it until I come up with ideas for a scene or story. If they look good in sweet, short lines and are naturally creating its own rhythm, then I consider it promising for a poem. Sounds stupid but I find it fun. I miss doing that.

It's 6:53am. Time to go home. Yes, I'm in a graveyard shift and I just want to escape from all things done and performed in Excel and SAP-GUI. I'm excited to hit the hay and rest. I am hoping to post more here soon.

That line is from the movie Ghost World.

If you get a ruler and decide that these feelings I am carrying are exact and measurable in widths and that a foot represents the entirety of that line/quote, you'd get a decent 11"8. Thick.

I cannot comprehend. My intentions were pure. I just want to help and at least, make one life better on this planet.

Disappointing.

I do admit that writing is not exactly my forte (but it doesn't mean that there is an exisitng forte for me at this point in time) but I enjoy it. I think that it is a primary thing to consider...if you enjoy it.

I miss doing this. Trying to make a coherent and respectable entry for my journal and always ending up as flaky as my previous entries with thought-crumbs of undistinguishable theme and faux oraganization of ideas. This second paragraph is already an impending disaster.

But I am smiling while writing this.
You see, my hand, heart and my brain grew fonder of journal composition as I have been bereft of this for several months.

Here, feeling like a grown-up - being in the office and hair in tight pony tail - but not quite.

Almost.
My friend (who says/admits to herself that her life is piled up with issues ranging from pre-puberty to serious type of dilemmas) asked me if she is already in the stage of what they call the mid-life crisis. I told her, "Silly, you're too young for that."

So how must we term it? The (first) quarter-life crisis?
How do we define, as quarter-old beings, a crisis?

To my Joligs-LJ friends, let's LJ again, shall we? Hehe.

- - -

My lips secretly curve to a smile when I see high school kids on their way to school - to my old school where I spent my pre-school, elementary and high school life. I was a loyalty awardee, obviously.

I'm happy Jo and I experienced the same high school - when projects and impromptu graded recitations are your daily challenges.
High school is immortal.
It is cool and comforting to think that we tread the same corridors and took the same pop quizzes - that we shared that juvenile concept of invincibility...regardless if we did our homeworks or not.

- - -

Ok, back to work. :)

well, i thought
"humor me"
but then it wasn't

a nudge
a push
a hurricane

but a fairy tale
will never be

typically familiar
the truth
real
bluntly
regularly
daily

comforting
yes,
comforting

glad
as always

---

hey, i miss this. big time.

i started reading again (i bought a book: Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. I read the foreword, which i don't..most of the time.)

and started writing again.

even if my work schedule sucks

and mosquitoes are currently feasting on my big, fat legs.

under pale skies
well shut
windows across
fear you'd let go
     of my hand

every word
penetrates
an inch deeper than before
i sway with every say
i try to see beyond visible
permittable view
and must i fail
at long lengths of waves
i try again

gathering here
beneath and into
selfless bay of thoughts

i follow
     and i love
     like never before

this is it. the ultimate sign.
the sign which means i'm always home, broke, and having all the time in the world to try different lj layouts.
nevertheless, i found a ridiculously cool layout for countingfridays and weekendworkshop! :D

applause to thefulcrum for all the neat-looking layouts.
seriously, i didn't encounter any so-so design. every layout deserves a thumbs up!

. . . .

i miss my friends. :c