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Entropy [Jan. 4th, 2016|11:40 pm]

When I was younger, I used to think that my dreams are simple but now that I am 29 and trying to lay them out and finally create traction on these dreams, they seem to get more and more tricky.

The pains of being an adult.

On geek mode, adulthood for me is like the law of increased entropy. The complications in a branching structure of one's adult life, if there's such a thing, are inevitable. Order will always move towards disorderly state and never the other way around. It is daunting and overwhelming at times. It is scary. It is more scary for me who is apparently still clueless on awkward 'shall-I-greet him/her' situations. During this stage, you think you know but you fail then you learn and you grow and when you know more, you know nothing and they all unfold right before you like one hell of a 'Lost' series marathon.

Interestingly, creationists argue that life itself is an "order" which arised from chaos just like a plant that grew from scattered seedlings, rain, changing climate and soil with dead, rotting leaves from what used to be an "orderly" plant.

I guess this moment of chaos is what's needed after all to reach a new "orderly" state.

As far as I know, I am not in an orderly state yet (obviously, as this entry sucks big time) but I am learning and a little bird told me it's what matters most. I believe it.

Hello adulthood.

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Everything Else [Jun. 20th, 2014|09:28 am]
It's when you barely combed your hair
and when you try to look decent but you still feel not so put-together
when you have this "muffin top" you have unsuccessfully concealed with a loose shirt,
he tells you
"you're so pretty"

under the yellow lamp
inside an overrated coffee shop

everything else does not matter
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For J. [Feb. 3rd, 2014|01:00 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Mood |thankfulthankful]

Whenever I feel shitty, I turn to your letters. They make me happy.
So happy, I cry. It's amazing that I still cry even after countless times I have read them.
The feeling is overwhelming every time.

I always tell you that you are a writer and you just laugh on the thought of it.
You tell me ideas - really good ideas for prose but you never get around to start writing them down.
I always tell you to start writing because I know you have it in you.

Yet, you have not started anything -- but these beautiful letters.

It's not that you're lazy (well sometimes, yes) but I think one reason that you do not write is because you are unassuming and you never really care.

That is what I love about you.

You do not have to prove anything to the world. You do not care if the world does not know how great of a man you are and what you have achieved in life; how you hold on to your principles and how you handle every stressful situation; how you are almost seamless in being a mentor, a lover and a bestfriend to me.

You do not care because you never needed any explaining to do except to the people you care about.

I always wish I can be as unassuming as you.

A part of me wants to publish the letters you have given me; even the things you tell me randomly over coffee or while crossing the street.

However, a part of me wants to just keep them all to myself - pieces of you.

These pieces of you that I have are way too cool and way too precious to be given away.

Yes, I am selfish and I am happy.

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We are being chased [Jan. 23rd, 2014|09:37 am]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]
[Current Music |Two Door Cinema - Cigarettes In The Theater]

We are being chased
We move
as such

We gasp for air
and you said
"They can't catch us"

We pace ourselves
Never looking back

I did consider
to stop and sit by the bench
Grass beneath my toes
Never expecting
Always, unfolding

We must not

We are being chased

but I did look back
I thought you knew

Behind us,
There is nothing.
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Why am I not writing? [Jan. 21st, 2014|04:27 pm]
Writing in this journal is not as easy as it is before when I was young.

Why am I not writing anymore?

Is it because instead of writing, I have already ranted everything to Jo?
It it because I'm fucking busy?
Is it because I've outgrown this?

I'm turning 28 this year and it is giving me the goosebumps.
I started this journal in 2005 and a lot has happened.

2005. What could I be doing on the same day in 2005?
It was a Friday.
I was probably at school, trying to learn how to smoke cigarettes and contemplating on the matter of getting out of Physics because it was just too much for me and that I barely survived the laboratory exercises.

I used to carry a notebook in college just for the things I want to write I call "thought-crumbs" and for my doodles, of course.

Why am I not writing anymore?

I do not feel as confident as before because I know more.
I know now that I suck at this.
I know now that even if I write a hundred entries, it will not help pay the bills or land me to a higher position in the office.
I know now that life will never be fair.
I know now that things do not happen for a reason rather they happen because of previous actions/decisions.
I know now that politics exist practically everywhere.
I know now that the more I know, the more I know that I know nothing.

I have work later and I should be getting dressed.
Why am I writing?
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A Swollen Cheek and a Time to Kill [Jul. 24th, 2012|12:55 pm]
My dentist sawed my impacted tooth into half before digging in and uprooting it out of the hard bones and gums inside my mouth. This is not a gory B-movie for Halloween. This is real life. It happened to me last Sunday.

It was my first time to have gone through a sort of "operation" (since it involved some stitching) and I fervently pray that I shall not go through it again.

I'm home right now watching chick flicks, Skype-ing and this. Blogging.
I have all the time in the world today and I don't know what to do.
What a loser. I have always wanted some "free time" and here it is so, what am I waiting for?
Could it be that work and responsibilities have eaten my entire "loosen up" state?

I watched TLC earlier and all those food/cooking shows made me hungry. I can't eat solid food yet. I miss eating. I miss Mutton Masala and Biryani rice. I want Sam Kyup Sal, Kimchi and Bap. I want pizza and buffalo wings. I want pasta or siomai or pancit. This is saddening! I can't deny that eating is what I enjoy the most and this is why it is really difficult for me to go on a diet.

I miss Jo. I wish I can see him later. He waited for me inside the clinic for hours - from the beginning until the end of the operation. He's really sweet like that and told me he wants to take care of me. I know it's just a tooth extraction but I was really afraid since I have low pain tolerance. Jo was there to comfort me. It's cheesy but I don't care.

I hope to be better sooner than soon.
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Goodbye and Hello [Dec. 24th, 2010|12:18 am]
I can't sleep the other night/day so I made this...

Career growth. Cliché but can't think of any other way to put it. Of course, why would I deprive myself of something potentially bigger? Why not grab life by its balls?

I'm excited. I hope everything turns out for the better. I just want a smooth transition. I've been wanting this so I hope I am making the right decision. You can do this, Chary. Focus.
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Forgotten, Remembered and Pirated [Oct. 14th, 2010|07:11 pm]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

I can't believe how much crap is being produced today in the music industry. I'm sorry, but really. They all sound the same to me. I almost never listen to the radio anymore.

I am currently listening to the Siamese Dream album and in me, there is this brewing desire to have the ability, if there is such, of shutting down one's system physically triggering a sudden immersion of the mind to all those warm layers of sounds and rhythms. That would be quite lovely.

I love the 90s. I also like the 80s and all eras that come before.
I love obsessing over music and witnessing bands come and go and come and live and die and forgotten and remembered and pirated.
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Weekends are Divine. [Sep. 24th, 2010|06:25 pm]
[Tags|, , , , , ]

I wish my workstation is near the window. I peered, just now, across two more workstations then out through the window. I noticed the rising cumuli in pale salmon colored by the sun's rays also rising from the other side of the horizon.

Dear God, thank you for the weekends. I am so happy this is the last hour of my work week. I'm excited to see Jo and just chat away the hours we've earned after a long week. I always look forward to interesting conversations with him. All those things we've talked about and crazy ideas we've concocted and kept in our own little world are priceless. We just can't get enough! It's almost like our own radio show. Humor? Our humor, must I say, is a shard of an ancient Egyptian jar found in the crevices of a boulder in the north polar region of Mars. The shard's covered in egg yolk and wrapped in paper with words, "I like caterpillars. They are brave creatures. My name is Bob Jake". That kind of humor.

I am also excited for our project, which I must not tell! It's a surprise. I am loving the thought and the experience of us working together towards something. I believe in our potential as partners for a project. I hope we get to actually start working on it by next month. We are now on the part of envisioning it and me, jotting down notes, in my small MUJI notebook. Jotting down things on my wee notebook have been a favorite gesture of mine nowadays.

Most of the time, I can't help but entertain negative vibes and just veer away from possibilities and opportunities. I expect the worst and fear almost everything. This in turn, I realized, just makes me farther than the act of actually making the challenge manageable and not-so of a big deal after all. Jo helps me every time whenever I am in this very situation.

Well, today is different.
Today, I am hopeful and happy.
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Superpositions and the Wikipedia state [Sep. 19th, 2010|02:34 am]
The most idle hour within my 8-hour toil is the one before my shift ends. This is because by that time, I have already submitted my tracker of shiznits (does not want to explain or go any further than “shiznits”) and refuse to make updates so as not to mess-up the next-day tracker (or ok, just too lazy to do it) thus, a perfect time to divulge in a gratifying act of world wide web surfing.

Usually, I read Wikipedia. I firmly believe it is a convenient tool (oh-so-convenient I suppose) to learn tidbits of almost everything within the known universe. It might not be accurate, but decent enough for everyday chitchat.

I reached Schrödinger's Cat link and found myself reading away. I remember, this has been mentioned, if I’m not mistaken, in Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking - one of my favorite readings even if some chapters are headache-inducing. I like reading stuff bigger than me, trying to test if I can actually comprehend it. It tickles my mind. Although, I do not currently possess a grandiose intelligent argument regarding Schrödinger's Cat so I would rather not you expect something of which I am not capable of. I prefer mostly to just revel in its wonderfully crafted absurdity in which I think what you are going to get from this entry. Ok, then.

So, (assuming you have searched for or is familiar with the concept) is the cat dead or alive? This very question states what they call a superposition – that state where everything is possible. Reality unfolds once the box is opened. Imagine a branching of the events – the “dead cat” event and the “alive cat” event. You open the box, you, as an observer, can only continue with one branch. Superposition is the event even before the branching starts. We reach this state for almost every single point or smallest fraction of period in our lives.

(Must I wear jeans today or that frilly dress?
Must I take the bus or walk?
Must I gawk at him or not?
Must I marry her or not?)

I like this idea a lot. Reminds me of the film, Mr. Nobody (Really nice film btw). Everything is floating in every possible angle and probabilities, in piles of superpositions atop of piles of superpositions atop of another pile and so on. We are a factory of superpositions! By the time we were born, this is the dawn of millions and millions of superpositions initiated by how every action will be executed by you and things and people surrounding you. Just imagine the very point at which the Big Bang starts. Imagine how much “branches” we have now. Lots. Crazy lots of dimensions of “could or would-have-beens”. It is just plain amazing and scary at the same time.

I wish I’m better at Math or weren’t too lazy solving those practice math problems as a student. I really like Physics and Astronomy but here I am struggling to understand the concept of qubits and wave functions. In fact, I don’t really understand them, maybe just a slight idea. This is what limits me and sometimes frustrates me. When I am at the peak of curiosity and admiration and long to learn more, the deeper I want to know, the less I would understand. I’m stuck with Wikipedia knowledge. Or barely. No, let’s term it as Wikipedia state, which I want to define, as just something general. A little bit of everything. Frustrating. It’s a gist. I want the whole film. Not the synopsis. But it’s difficult. Learn Math. Enroll in Physics. ( I did. I gave up. I’m not “equipped”.) But then, there is this Einstein quote: "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.” True enough. I really like this guy. :)

However, even with all of these esoteric equations I encounter in the middle of my search for knowledge, I appreciate the efforts of scientists, researchers and writers who put effort in offering a palatable and digestible piece of simple explanation for every complex theories and concepts we have. Sometimes, we all just want to know and understand. Sometimes we just can't get enough. We are just so hungry for knowledge we can devour an elephant. Schrödinger's Elephant.
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